Things Sarah Palin Can Name

• Your house
• A vote in the US Senate
• The Nashville Predators hockey team
• 600 8GB iPod Touches
• Cindy McCain’s personal chef
• Exorcism
• Wedding for Bristol

An Alaskan probe may well suffice
To prove Palin is not very nice.
She’ll do things to hurt you
Which may not show virtue,
But that’s why she’s running for Vice.

• Both lost elections to a black man
• Both make people feel worse about America
• We’re both pretty
• Both appeared on the cover of Us Weekly
• Both have fantasized about having sex with Sean Hannity
• Both enjoy doing shots of tequila off the bellies of strippers

Don’t vote for that one.

• Ignore the question talk about whatever I want
• Fake faint
• Wink
• Shoot questioner in face
• Pray
• Curl up in fetal position on ground
• Tell Gwen to “Talk to the booty, ’cause the hands off-duty! You betcha!”

• General McClellan
• General U. S. Grant
• General Lee
• General Sherman
• General Bragg

• Taken 14 items to the 12 items or less checkout line
• Winked at a woman
• Shoplifted lipstick from Wal-Mart
• Prank called Andrew Sullivan
• Crashed a jet plane killing my friend
• Went all in on an inside straight draw
• Made the secret service guy pick up the dog’s poop
• Read the New York Times
• Called Katie Couric a “cancer on society”

• My gay “friend”
• Joe Sixpack
• Other mavericks
• Jesus
• People with other political views
• Sky hunters
• The author of “How to Be Prepared for the Vice Presidency in 30 Days or Less”

• Kids are missing teeth
• Can’t lick private parts
• Embarrasses children by screaming at games
• Can drive a car
• Opposable thumbs
• Sleeps with postal carrier instead of biting
• Less nipples
• Flirts with coach
• Understands strategy behind left wing lock

• Sarah Barracuda
• Sarah Failin’
• VPILF
• Bush in a Dress
• Caribou Barbie
• Footnote of History
• Pitbull with Lipstick
• Moose Momma
• Moosilini
• Tina Fey’s Sister
• Mittens
• Barack’s Bane
• Pig